Emotional Destruction...

Pain

Every generation had it's own pain and destruction

The hardships of making livelihoods

to the difficulty in keeping religion

Pain

What is the biggest pain and suffering today?

We are lost, alone, fearful, and neglected

Our biggest pain is emotional distress

Pain

Our boys, girls, men and women

trapped in their bodies suffering

Drug and alcohol addictions, anorexia, depression, rampant divorces...the list goes on

Pain

This is the pain my friends

our destruction today lies in our emotional troubles

never did a generation suffer this type of plague

when will it end?

Pain

We have trouble imagining the destruction of our temple

my friends can you put yourself

in these troubled souls shoes?

Pain

What could an anorexic be feeling? Maybe the hardship of feeling like she or he is going to choke to death if he or she eats a bite of that peanut butter, the alcoholic feeling so alone and shunned nothing else to do and to feel forced to drink....

Pain

We don't need to be a professional

to put our hearts to these fellow Jews

or to show our empathy

what they don't need is for us to be judgemental

Do you know where they came from,

what their life is about?

Pain

For crying out loud can we stop focusing on forcing people to make less expensive weddings or

disparaging people for dressing immodest

Maybe....

Pain

The temple is not built because of our judgement

instead of showing the concern and love

Maybe....

we are prolonging the destruction as long as we don't start doing something about this PAIN

This Tisha Ba'av if we can't imagine pain

from the destruction of the temple

Maybe this year can be different

as we put ourselves with these lost souls

and feel the pain..feel..feel....pain

Have a meaningful fast...

200th Post, sitemeter hit 50,000, Research shows opposites.....

Do opposites attract?

Click on the links at the bottom of the post(ABC and APA) to see very interesting research articles. It's worth it to read it. Basically the research shows that in fact opposites do not attract. Friends and mates look for people with similar values.

Though very often people might have what seems like opposite tendencies like one mate is laid back and one is more rigid. Research would say that their underlying values are the same. Personality similarity was found to be related to marital satisfaction.

What's your take, married and single bloggers we need your opinions. For the marrieds do you find that similarity does indeed play a role in marital satisfaction? What is ok for couples to be opposed to and what is not ok?

By the way I did a research study with all the results from the personality test, ok just kidding I didn't!

See what ABC News and American Psychological Association has to say.

I will be sure to tell singer Paula Abdul that opposites do not attract hehe.

What's Your.....?

What's your Personality ? Are you an extrovert, or an introvert? Take the online test now just click on the word personality up above. Read about Myer Briggs personality traits and the Big Five Personality traits.

Tell us if you agree with what you got on the test, or if you thought your personality was different. The test is not the best but it's the only free one I could find. I believe the first letter is the most important(E or I) the rest of the letters don't matter as much.

Do you find yourself to have different personalities? I say that we have a dominant personality and sometimes it seems as though our personality is so different because we may be shy or uncomfortable in our surroundings. Sometimes we act as an introvert and are merely shutting ourselves off and blocking our true self, yet we are the same extrovert the whole time. Personality is just so fascinating I could go on and on....but I won't instead let's hear your thoughts.....

I want to add that it's interesting that bloggers online personalities can appear one way from writing and really some of them are total opposites from what is shown online, it would make a good study.

"Ad Delo Yada" The New Meaning

I went to a shiur on Purim a few weeks ago. One of my favorite speakers gave this shiur which was based on the Nesivos Shalom. The title of the essay is "chayav inish livesumei bipuria ad delo yada bain arur Haman leburuch Mordechai" This means that a person has to get drunk to the point of not being able to differentiate between the curse of Haman and the blessed Mordechai.

Purim is the holiest yom tov, more so than Yom Kippur. What is the connection between the holiness on Purim to having to get drunk? If anything we need the presence of mind for kedusha. Notice it says to be drunk but does not mention the need to be drunk with wine.

There are 3 mitzvos on Purim that can be compared to the 3 parts that lead to fullfillment of hashem. In all these areas of service to hashem there are different aspects of the blessed Mordechai and the cursed Haman.

The first mitzvah is the reading of megillah which corresponds to avodah bain adam lamokom(work between man and hashem). There are times hashem helps us to feel close to him which is like blessed Mordechai. There are times of darkness when we feel so distant to hashem, as if someone pulled the plug, so we feel so disconnected to hashem. Hashem is hidden in the physical and spiritual. The most difficult situation is to feel disconnected. As long as one feels close they can bear anything. We are capable of passing the difficulties when we are connected. Purim we know no matter what situation we are in that we are connected to hashem. Purim is the perfection with hashem when we see no differentiation between the blessed Mordechai(when we feel close to hashem) and the cursed Haman(feel disconnected from hashem). There is no difference in any situation hashem is with us all the time it is a matter of our feelings and perception that are guiding us. Purim we realize the truth that hashem is always close to us. We are always the son/daughter of the king. This is the idea of the megillah, it starts out we are in a bad place physically and spiritually. The decree was already sealed. At the same time we see the love of hashem revealed. We have to "drink" in and take in the idea of the megillah. At the most disconnected time,is the same time that hashem's love is there. In other words venahaposhu, it is all turned around. This is how we come to shelaimus.

The next mitzvah is Mishoach Manos, that relates to the aspect of bain adam lachavero, service between man and his friend. We see our friends as Mordechai or Haman. It is how we feel. Sometimes we feel our friends are against us and sometimes with us, it is all our perceptions. On Purim we have to feel there is no difference in relationships between those we feel that are like Mordechai and Haman. That is why we send Mishloach Manos not just to our nearest and dearest to increase the friendship. We are supposed to love everyone in whatever condition they are in. To love all like we love our own body. Haman said we were a scattered nation, he knew our strength was when we were one. The tikun to be whole with friends is to give them the mishloach manos. I need to give it, they don't need it.

The last mitzvah is wiping out Amalek. This corresponds to us being whole with ourselves. Sur mara(get rid of evil) which is to get rid of Amalek. Asei tov(do good) which is the torah. When we do mitzvos we get close to hashem and sanctify hashem. Everything is created in the honor of hashem this is blessed Mordechai. When we are too focused on the physical and desires then it is cursed Haman. From Haman came a tremendous kiddush hashem. On Purim we want to be "drunk" so that we don't know what will bring more kiddush hashem from Blessed Mordechai or cursed Haman. We can sanctify hashem with everything physical and spiritual, things that look like cursed Haman can bring us close to hashem.

Basically the drunken part is to be drunk with revelations about what Purim is. "Chayav inish livesumei bipuria", to be drunk with Purim, about Purim. According to the Nesivos Shalom there is no need to drink at all to fulfill the obligation of not being able to differentiate between the cursed Haman and the blessed Mordechai. Thank you Nesivos Shalom! Have a great Purim!

Part 2- Doesn't Anyone Blush Anymore

Part 2- Must Read, some awesome points!

Chapter 9-When it's healthy to say "No". We need an emptiness that is receptive and an openness that waits to be filled. We also need borders to define that space. We all have temptations which have to be there otherwise there is nothing to say no to. We have to say no to unhealthy situations. Intimacy is inviting someone into our private space under certain circumstances. Modesty is our border that protects our dwelling place.

Chapter 12-(skipping a few chapters did not see any points I wanted to mention)
In life we are meant to thrive, we can all survive but that is not why we are here. How can we thrive, by being modest. We can be modest on 3 levels: externally, internally, and essentially. External modesty is in dress, speech, and action. Internal modesty is the containment of our inner thoughts and feelings , that we usually call privacy. Essential modesty is innocence. These 3 levels also apply to our soul. Our external being is affected by people. It is not the real us. Our internal being is the real us, which is our traits that make us who we are. This part of self does not readily change. Your essential level can never change. Modesty protects and nurtures each of these aspects of our existence. When we are modest we can interact with others while shielding our inner self. The only part I did not get was what the author meant by the essential part of self which was the innocence. He did not elaborate on that point.

Chapter 13- There are 3 kinds of shame that Adam and Chava were the first to feel after the sin. The first kind of shame is humility. This is what we feel when we are in the presence of someone superior to us. Adam and Chava felt this humility as they knew they did something wrong and felt the contrast between G-ds greatness and their smallness. The second aspect of shame is embarrassment. This kind of shame pushes you to go back to where you were, when you crossed your borders. Before the sin Adam and Chava did not recognize the distinction between private and public. Ony after the sin were they embarrassed when they realized their privacy was violated by their own nakedness. When G-d came to them and said "where are you?" what he meant was where are your borders? Then they took the figs to cover themselves up. I absolutely love that explanation, it is so brilliant yet simple. The last aspect of shame is guilt. Guilt is the inner response that let's you know a relationship has been violated. It is the feeling of despair when you know the relationship may never be the same. We are damaged in the eyes of others. The emotion of guilt can only take place in the context of a relationship. This is why in an abusive relationship often people feel guilt. Why do they feel this way if it is not their fault? Because their guilt is of feeling unacceptable, never being the same again, and a sense of loss. I really loved this chapter, I mean liked it a lot.

Chapter 15- The author discusses how every encounter with a male and female is a sexual event. He discusses how dating for fun wastes sexual energy. People try to avoid sexual stimulation and then say "no" which done too often wastes the sexual energy for a time it is needed. By ignoring the sexual presence we lose our ability to be sexual. Interesting thoughts on the matter, seems a bit extreme.

Chapter 16- Should a person dress modestly to protect intruders from outside or to preserve what is inside? Modest is there to protect intimacy not to prevent sin. If we want to sin we can sin no matter how modest we are.

The End!

Doesn't Anyone Blush Anymore?

Here it is folks, the SWFM book review on this book. I finished the book last night. The book has some incredible points and perspectives that I would like to share and add some of my own thoughts as well.

The first chapter starts off by discussing how we are mistaken to think that when we get close to someone we have the right to know their private thoughts. The author says that when you try and peek behind the curtains you become estranged from the person and do not get any closer. If a person does not want to reveal something it is wrong to look. We should not violate their privacy. As soon as we trespass "we destroy the boundaries and dissipate the intimacy". In a marriage(the most intimate relationship) the respect for privacy is crucial. To create an intimate relationship remember one rule "be thankful for what you get and do not expect what the other person doesn't have". He goes on to say how marriages break up because of unfair expectations. Meaning failing to recognize the other person's privacy and borders. Perhaps the need to know is the illusion of power.

Chapter 2 talks about our purpose in life and marriage. Why are we nice to our spouse or try to be perfect? Is it for us or because our spouse deserves it? We have to concentrate on what our spouse means to us and realize how important the relationship is. Then it becomes easier to be nicer to your spouse. In religion why should we be good, because we like it or because it is our purpose for which we were created? The answer is obvious. In marriage we can't forget who we are devoted to. We have to stop thinking about ourselves if we want to make things better. He says it's not what we deserve, we are not here to get everything. We have what we need and deserve. We have to accept our spouse and lives. I agree with this attitude when one has a good husband and there are things we are bothered by so we should only think of the positive and not what is deficient. When it is an extreme case in marriage then I wouldn't go by this approach and say ok I will accept my life and my husband. No a person should not read this and take it literally in any horrid situation. When it is one sided and one is giving and not getting anything then one has to think of themselves. It is obvious to me but may not be to someone else reading it.

Chapter 3 on becoming one flesh. When we are young we learn to develop our own ego. We want to be appreciated and respected. The G-dly step is to appreciate someone else's ego, to respect someone else, and to make someone else feel secure. We are ready to get married when we can take on the responsibility for another persons mortal soul. The needs of my soul are there so I can understand the feelings of another person. Now that I have felt the need for respect I can now know how to respect someone else. When we deny the needs of our mortal soul and gratify those same needs in someone else, we imitate G-D. Because hashem is all giving. In marriage we discover the way to becoming like G-D. Being devoted to a relationship means being devoted to the other person's needs. I always learned how marriage is a microcosm of the world and how marriage brings us close to G-D. I never understood how. Now I get it, it's so beautiful the way it is explained. It all makes sense to me now. By us giving to the other we are imitating G-D. I knew this but now it all fits together so nicely. I just do not completely understand his idea of being ready for marriage when we can give up our needs. It sounds extreme to say that now that we are adults we don't need to gratify our needs anymore. I know we should put our spouse first but how is it normal not to want to be respected also. This connects to what I said from the last chapter about just being happy with what we have. The last thing he says I will quote. "When husband and wife become one flesh , they bridge the gap between what is physical and what is spiritual, between what is mortal and immortal, between what is merely human and what is G-dly". This is very deep and esoteric.

Chapter 4 happily ever after-One of the holiest acts is to bring peace between a husband and wife. Happily ever after is when the couple finds wholeness in each other. Their loyalty comes from knowing they exist for each other. Alone is feeling we are a half a being. We are uncomfortable being alone. We need to feel that pain before we are married. We can't let someone else in without feeling our own halfness. You accept your spouse as the purpose in your life. When a marriage accomplishes what it is supposed to then the half becomes a whole. The next chapter is basic so I won't go into it. It just speaks of acting with loyalty and respect.

Chapter 6 Humility and Anger- We need to choose the middle road in whatever we do. The exception is being humble and avoiding anger. They are one in the same. It is healthy to go to the extreme of being humble and avoiding anger. When we are angry we have a high opinion of ourselves. Anger is not a justification for a bad behavior. Anger is not an emotion, it is a mood when you are not disposed to any emotion. Love is a legitimate emotion, but anger pushes away all emotions. You can't think rationally when angered. Anger also stems from arrogance and taking ones self too seriously. When we are angry our spouse doesn't exist. Chapter 7 talks about Surrender and responsibility and how it is so integral for the relationship. People surrender and think they can give away responsibility. The surrender in a relationship does not give away responsibility it is a surrender of ego and self satisfaction.

Chapter 8- Afraid of Surrender-Surrender is unconditional love and total commitment. In order to do this we have to become open, empty, and very vulnerable. This is frightening to people, who wants to be vulnerable? In this world everything is a recipient and a donor. In order to receive there has to be an emptiness that allows something to go in. Giving requires the opposite, fullness. A pitcher can better pour when it is full. A cup can receive when it is empty. A teacher can give when she is full with knowledge. A student can absorb when he has emptied his mind and opened himself to the lesson. If you want to allow someone in your life you have to become open, receptive, and surrendered. We have to be opened to who they are. We have to be open yet discriminating and by having borders which gives us security. We need modesty which is a focused surrender. It allows that which should come in to come in and that which should stay out stays out. Modesty and surrender are not in conflict. I am not open here or now but in the right time and right place I am open and can surrender totally. Emotion means a response to something outside of yourself. Human emotions apply properly to other human beings. For example to say I love strawberries does not make sense. That is borrowing the term from human interaction. In a modest marriage love is guided by intelligence. Surrender also has to be with the control of mind to work right.

That's all for now, the next 8 chapters will be in another post. Lots of food for thought so I expect lots of comments with all of your thoughts. Hope you enjoyed! Buy the book my review doesn't do justice!

How much Is Your Blog Worth?

My blog is worth $14,113.50.
How much is your blog worth?

I have to give credit to sorlil.blogspot.com. I saw the pic above on her blog. I don't get how it works but whatever it is I say it's cool how much my blog is worth. Try it out and see how much yours is worth. As you could see by the sidebar I put up a clock and a link for the weather just for your information.